How Barriss Offee Stole Christmas (Musical Parody)
by SaurusRock625
Summary: Ever since the events of The Wrong Jedi, Barriss Offee has detested Christmas with every fiver of her being. And now, she has a plan to put a stop to it.


_**A little holiday oneshot for everybody. I hope you all enjoy, and have a wonderful Christmas! Also, I'd like to thank God in heaven for giving me the words to write this story. Without him, none of my stories would exist today.**_

_***I don't own Star Wars: The Clone Wars, or How The Grinch Stole Christmas!***_

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_**Story Start!**_

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Everyone on the planet Coruscant loved Christmas a whole lot, but Barriss Offee, who lived in the poorest part of Coruscant, did not. The fallen Jedi hated Christmas. The whole Christmas season! Now please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason. It could be that her head wasn't screwed on just right. It could be, perhaps, that her cowl was too tight. But I think that the most likely reason of all, may simply be that her heart's now two sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, her heart or her cowl, she stood there each year with an ever present scowl. Staring up from her apartment, with a sour glare and frown, at the warm lighted houses above in their town. For she knew all creatures young and old were busy now hanging a twin turtledove.

"And they'll be hanging their stockings." she snarled with a sneer. "Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"

Then she growled with her slender fingers nervously drumming.

"I must find someway to stop Christmas from coming! Why for seventeen years I've put up with it now! I must stop this Christmas from coming… but how?"

Then she got an idea.

An awful idea.

That Barriss got a wonderful, awful idea.

"I know just what to do…!"

(Barriss quickly ran inside of her house and used a pair of scissors to cut some red fabric that she scavenged from the bumpster of a beauty shop. She had hoped to sell it to make a few credits since it's still in excellent condition, but has now found a new use for it. She took the pieces of fabric to her sewing machine, and began to sew them together quick as a flash."

Barriss laughed in her throat. And she made a quick Santa Claus hat, and a coat.

(Barriss made a noise of agony as she slipped and ran her hand threw the sewing machine with a sickening crunch. She lifted her hand to see that she sewed it into the fabric. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she fell back out of her chair and fainted.)

And she chuckled and clucked at this great dark side trick.

(Once complete, Barriss stood in front of a mirror as she posed in a home made Santa Claus outfit. One which consists of the iconic red hat and coat with furry white trim, a pair of red pants, a belt with a big yellow buckle, shiny black boots, and a pair of green fingerless gloves. Ones that are a darker green so they don't just look like her own skin.)

"With this coat and this hat I'll look just like Saint Nick! Ho ho ho!"

_**Barriss**_

_You're a mean one Miss Offee! _(Snarls)

_You really are a heel! _(clicks her teeth)

_You're as cuddly as a cactus!_

_And as charming as an eel! _

_Miss Offee!_

(As Barriss scavenged through the nearby junkyard for the pieces she needs for her project, which include an old sled for the base, a couple of Pod Racer engines and cables, sheets of durasteel for reinforcement, starship plating, and pipes to make the frame, as well as other assorted objects, Barriss took an old banana peel and began to eat it. Hey, when you're so poor that you don't even have money for food, and you're one of the most wanted criminals on Coruscant, you tend to not be picky about what you eat.)

_You're a bad banana with a…_

_Greasy black peel!_

(Barriss took all the parts she scavenged back to her apartment, where she sent them to her underground lair as she got ready to build. She laughed like a mad scientist as she took a blow torch and started welding the frame together. Once she'd actually drawn up the blueprints, of course.)

_Just face the music you're a monster, Miss Offee! _("Yes you are!")

_Your heart's an empty hole!_

(Using a pair of tongs, Barriss took a burning hot rivet out of some coals in her forge and popped it into her mouth. She quickly started moving it about in her mouth while using her saliva to cool it down.)

_Your brain is full of spiders! _

_You've got garlic in your soul!_

_Miss Offee!_

(She sighed as steam blew out of her ears and nostrils before spitting out the now cooled rivet.)

_I wouldn't touch you with a…_

_Thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!_

(All through the day and straight into the night, Barriss worked on her imitation of Santa's sleigh. She hammered, sawed, welded, and more as she tried to make this little mission of hers a complete success. She wants to stop Christmas from coming no matter what. She accepted a wrench from a stray dog, a white Husky with blue eyes to be precise, that was helping her build, but when she took a look at the measurements, she got a little bit agitated. But she doesn't blame the animal. She blames the Jedi, and Christmas.)

"I asked for three-quarters not five-eighths! Stay focused!"

(She handed the wrench back to the dog, who she named Max, and got back to work. A little later, she was sitting in a chair attacked to a rocket engine and dressed as a crash test dummy. She also put on a football helmet for a little extra protection for her brain. As the engine warmed up, she gave Max a thumbs up as the dog pressed a button with his paw and sent her rocketing forward.)

_You know, if you ask the who's who of Whoville…_

_No one's denyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnngggg…_

_**(Violent coughing & hacking)**_

(Barriss flew down the track as Max looked away, and crashed right into a brick wall she set up with a white target painted on it. Her prototype was sparking as she forced herself to her feet.)

"Ow."

Barriss groaned a bit as she lifted her head, the protective railing of her football helmet totally shredded from the impact. Miraculously, her face remained completely undamaged. Too bad we can't say the same for the rest of her.

"Airbag's a little slow." she said.

At that moment, her airbag deployed with the sound of a party horn.

"But that's what these tests are for!" she declared.

Max barked in concern as she hobbled away to complete her makeshift Santa Sleigh. The one that will help her stop Christmas from coming ever again.

_You're a vile one… *Ahem!* ...Miss Offee!_

_You have termites in your smile!_

(As she screwed a side view mirror onto the sleigh, Barriss grinned showing all her teeth. And a Force Illusion of termites began crawing all over them. It really served no purpose except to entertain herself. She gets bored easy nowadays.)

_**Barriss**_

_You have all the tender sweetness!_

_Of a seasick crocodile!_

_Miss Offee!_

(Barriss quickly hammered together a liscence plate for the sleigh and blew the dust off of it. She grinned as she felt quite proud of her work. She placed it on the front bumper of her sleigh, revealing that the liscence plate reads "Mean 1".)

_Given the choice between you, I'd take the…_

(While on a plank of wood suspended from a few cables, she sent herself spinning around, and around as she finished the song.)

_Seasick crocodiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllleeee!_

"**OH GOD! UGH! GONNA PUKE!"**

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_***The End! Merry Christmas!***_

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_**Thank you everyone for reading this musical oneshot of mine! If you enjoyed it, feel free to give it a like and follow the story and myself if you so desire! Also, please don't forget to leave a review telling me what you thought of the story itself! And as always, I'll see you all in my next update! Buh-Bye now, and have a Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year!**_


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